soooo many photos

While driving to work, a (man?boy?asshole?) in a tricked out monster style truck, sped up as he saw a black kitten crossing the road and promptly ran over it. As I pulled up to the light he stopped at, he was laughing hysterically.

I am reminded of how much I hate the world.

Aphex Twin is good for the soul. So is the losing the baggage of past relationships, friendships and acquaintances. People always trying to take from you, never giving.
Then you find the one, and you know, you just really 100% really do know. Just like they tell you.

Its easy to be cynical about love because you’ve never really had it. Cynicism is very easy confused with knowledge and being profound. Really its just being afraid. When you really love someone you will do whatever it takes to keep it sacred and pure.

I can’t remember when, it was within a few days maybe, it was an ex boyfriends birthday. It’s so strange how someone can seem so important in your life for so long and just slip away. As if they never existed to you at all. Another face in the world, no real feelings when his name is mentioned in conversation in passing. Not even enough to remember his birthday.

Can’t help but think of karma. He wanted so badly to not be tied down, to go off in the world. Then we break up, fully allowing himself to go out in the world and what does he do? He fucks the 1st girl right after me (rebound) and gets her pregnant. He moves to where she’s from in a shit state and ties himself down to a life of what could have been. Karma is a bitch. He did the exact opposite of what he wanted trapped himself with someone he can only kid himself with for so long. I know him. I know what he must be feeling. And you know what I say?

Happy Fucking Birthday fucker. Karma well deserved.

In the day to day comings and goings of life it’s so easy to lose the goal you once had.

Whether it’s a goal to change the world, ‘make it’, follow ones passions, travel the world or live freely, it gets lost.

It gets lost in the bills, 9-5 jobs, school or families. The everyday. The detestable, mundane, everyday comings and goings. Is there anything more depressing? It’s like getting brainwashed. Knowingly getting brainwashed, how sick have we all become.


Will there ever be a day where i feel free?

Went to an engagement/bridal shower party today for a very good friend of mine, (so close we’re born on the same day/year/almost same time). I didn’t know any of the other girls there, all 20 something, and nearly all, all of them were engaged/about to have kids. They have been with their significant others less time then Eric and I have been together and these girls couldn’t get why marriage is not something I aspire to.

“Two years??! You’ve been with you’re boyfriend for two years and didn’t get a ring?” I couldn’t understand them, just as they couldn’t understand me. They had no interests in travel, exploring, hell even working, they all wanted to be someone’s wife. That is not something I want, to be someone’s……wife. I feel you loose your identity.

Here’s the kicker, the shower gift for the guests were chocolates and a fake glass cut engagement ring, very cute. I tried it on……and….i didn’t hate the way it looked. How strange is that?

I never wanted marriage or kids, anytime I said this to my mom, she dismissed it. Said that ‘she felt that way too then she wanted all those things when she turned 20 and so will I.’ But she didn’t go to college and got married at 18. She keeps hinting I need to get married. For what? I wanna be with someone because I want to be there, not because a piece of paper tells me I should be.

I give two middle fingers to the world that says a women needs to have a ring on her finger to prove her worth.

Do you ever watch a film in the theater, and think, I wonder if the ex saw that, compare it to you or another girl, see the mistakes, make the comparisons to your old relationship?

I do. I just doubt he was too.